Is this what war feels like?

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Maybe, this is what war feels like. We have witnessed it from afar in countries where war wages through the year, replete with shelling, gassing, dead bodies and blood. A war in which the eyes of the survivors reflect the pain of loss. Numb. Vacant. Sad.

And yet, there is something different about this war being waged in India. There is no blood. There is no sound. There is no warning of attack. 

Maybe, this is what the Spanish flu pandemic felt like. Invisible but aggressive. Leaving death and loss in its wake.

And yet, there is something different about this pandemic. We are feeling the loss and the pain collectively. Sadness is a constant. For some, the loss is immediate and within the family. Close and terrifying. For others, it has almost come home but hasn’t quite crossed the threshold, yet. This pandemic is stained with fear and carries with it a sense of impending doom. It is imbued with guilt. It is heavy. And death is a mere statistic.

The air is acrid with the smell of death as it rises from burning pyres to fill our senses, choking us. It reminds us that many more lives will be sacrificed at the altar of greedy politicians, mismanagement and intractable ego. Many more miserable and desperate people will be exploited by the Big Pharma and the petty crooks all looking to line their pockets. Oblivious to misery until it strikes their homes. This is a politicised pandemic where the administration has forsaken its people. Where the government is intent on whitewashing its image to the point of callousness.

Helplessness has united us all as we move from message to message threads, tracking, locating, identifying, scrambling for oxygen, beds, drugs … chaos fills us and yet this is the only thing that may still save us. The chain of help that has been building steadily, creating a web of resources, reassurance and love. A soothing breath. A crutch for the abandoned.

While our soldiers in blue march on. Tired and overwhelmed.

Dear Virus/Weapon of mass destruction,

My mind is in a constant state of churn. Focusing on any one thing has become challenging. Visions of people dying, losing loved ones, being locked away in a hospital with other sick people, struggling to breathe, wishing fervently for home, maniacally tracking my symptoms and worrying about the state of my lungs, wondering who will take care of my children if I’m in hospital, what if I’m responsible for bringing you home and endangering my parents or my in-laws, fearing ostracism not just for myself but also my family, concerned about you staying in my blood stream for ever, questioning if my lungs are melting and I’ll suddenly drop to the ground, dead, pushed into an electric crematorium and summarily dismissed from life … my brain is whirring endlessly till I’m a nervous wreck.

Then, suddenly, I find myself riding a hopeful crest … imagining myself immune to you CO-VIDa la loca; emerging into cleansed, beautiful, incredible Mother Earth, ready to embrace life and love, to find some peace in farming and nature, live every moment completely, appreciate the truth of Hyggae and Ikigai … until I crash again into the depths of despair imagining all the migrants stranded at the railway platform, stuck in limbo, unable to move forward or back, penniless, helpless … or the innumerable poor people across the nation struggling to understand where their source of income disappeared, trying to make sense of this new reality … why have you, o virus, challenged what is already a challenging existence?

What of those stuck in abusive situations locked in with the perpetrators for god knows how long, and what of those stuck in maddening, frustrating marriages having to get up each morning and look at the one person they most wanted to be away from, what of the houses bought but not shifted into, what of jobs lost and nothing in sight in the distant future, what of the ailing and the weak unable to leave their homes, what of those stuck in different cities unable to help their loved ones, what of those on the streets with no shelter, what of those grappling with depression and fear, what of the medical fraternity going through their days in a haze of fatigue and with no end in sight, what of what … what … what … and more endless whats.

I feel tired. I also feel exhilarated. And grateful. And guilty. And blessed. And angry. So angry. And deeply sad.

How does one make sense of this craziness? You have brought everyone down on their knees. You have changed the way we look at our reality, at the value of money, at the true value of relationships, at governance and what we expect from it …

Are leaders across countries joining hands? Are they building a plan that will help nations pick up from the remains and build a new world? It’s time to open source running of countries, institutions, corporates, banks, health, travel … basically, reconfigure the world.

You have ripped off the masks. Today we all stand exposed. We wanted to be alone, self first before anyone else, stuck in a loop of unending greed. Today we are all alone, each to his own, forced to live the simple life. Will good win over evil? Will less win over more? Will compassion win over racism and authoritarianism? Will we realise our true north?

There is good that I can already see. People are coming together in the most innovative and amazing ways to help, to carry each other through this time of war. Earth is palpably breathing a sigh of relief, monopolies are slowly deconstructing … the time is not far when people will rise together to save each other and rebuild our future together in more touching, thoughtful and humane ways. We will win this war. We will pay a price but we will win this war. Maybe, you want us to …

yours humbly,

We are all in this together.